soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
