I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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