i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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