Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
