Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
