do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
