I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
