I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
