Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
