i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
