if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
