I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
