She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
