I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
