you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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