My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
