You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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