For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
