my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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