I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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