Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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