Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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