I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
