Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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