I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
