we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
