She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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