so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Everclear isn't food dammit
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
