I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
