Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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