I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
