I just pynch a tree in the face
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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