bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
