I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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