Define "chronic" masturbator.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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