Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
