some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
