No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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