I look better un-naked...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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