I think I am morally bankrupt
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize