I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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