My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
