my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
