Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
