your thong is hanging out like whoa
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
