Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
