We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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