No stitches, just platelets and will power
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
