nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Pants are for mortals
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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