last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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