Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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