If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
