I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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