R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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