I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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