I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
