if you like me you must not know who I am
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
