This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
