Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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