remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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