Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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